Nine Years Later

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Nine years ago, in 2007, Britney Spears was famously suffering a breakdown. Fans, friends, family and a derisive public watched as the biggest star in the world began to buckle under the pressures of a life that had been decided for her since before she was old enough to have an adult tooth. She performed that year at the VMAs, the awards show that helped put her, and she it, on the map.

It was, to put it mildly, a humiliation and a disaster.

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It is always hard for me to talk about Britney Spears. I have so much affection for her. She means so much to me, and I don’t know that I can ever adequately describe exactly what that entails. She is a hero and an inspiration to me. When she was going through her breakdown, I was going through mine, and watching one of my childhood heroes being tested and broken on the wheel of public opinion in some ways made me stronger. There were days that I think I survived that dark period in my life purely for Britney. Because if I made it, so could she. And if she made it, so could I. We helped each other, you see. And she didn’t even know it.

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Anyway, that is a small part of what Britney Spears means to me. So to see her return, triumphant, golden and gorgeous and blonde the way we always want our Britney to be, means so very much to me. It gives me goddamn motherfucking life. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to feel as proud of myself as I feel of her tonight. I can’t wait to go out and hit the gym and get hot and write a novel and fuck Charlie Hunnam and have the best goddamn dance moves while I do it. And I know that I can, because of that killer fucking performance she gave tonight. The eyes, the spark, the fire, the choreography, it was all there. All the things that make us love Britney best. It’s Britney, Bitch!

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And to all of you haters, and I know you’re out there, because such is the nature of life (it is part of the pettiness of human nature that we cannot see a rise without painting the expectation of a fall), to all of you I say simply… It’s Britney, bitch, and if you aren’t cognizant enough to enjoy it, well, fuck… I just don’t have the time or the interest to teach you.

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Also, she and G-Eazy better be fucking. Cuz that chemistry was fiyahhhhh.

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