Basic Bitch Resolutions

Most of the time, I try to write blog posts only when I have something new to say, but honestly guys, this list is pretty run-of-the-mill. Like you could probably read the same thing on Buzzfeed—only better because they have Arrow and Bob’s Burger’s gifs. But hey, I do talk about sex some so… you know…

Working Smarter

Everyone tells you that being an adult is difficult. When you’re a child in grade school or junior high or hell, even high school, the proverbial they tell you that it isn’t easy. “Adulthood is hard,” scream all the blog posts by disenchanted, disillusioned, white, liberal, young adult bloggers.

Me. That’s me I’m talking about there.

What they fail to tell you, what you never expected, what you will struggle with for years, is that not only is adulthood hard, it’s complicated.

You think that “it isn’t easy” means exactly that. You think that you can work your ass off and succeed. You think that you can put in sixty hour weeks and be okay. You think so long as you are tired and unhappy and aren’t buying any luxury items for yourself that you’ve worked hard enough. And maybe you have.

But working hard isn’t enough. It’s true: adulthood is certainly not easy. But it is also complicated. It is not enough to work hard. You must work smart. You must be wise with your money, and discerning. You must budget and plan and accept the responsibility of your life. You must acknowledge your debts and formulate a plan to pay them off.

Life isn’t just hard work; life is a chess game. You can work harder than anyone else, you can use yourself up in the endless race to success, and not get anywhere. Life is a big game of the tortoise and the hare. Running fast, running hard, running yourself away will only get you so far. You must strategize.

This is something I understand in the abstract, but have so far failed to implement in my own life. So, my first and most important resolution for this new year (sweet Jesus please let 2017 be better than 2016), is to begin to do that: to budget, to plan, to set goals and stick to them. In 2017, I will work smarter.

 Date More

 Or at least have more sex. Or at least have making out. Or handholding. Or Jesus Christ, at least get someone to buy me some popcorn at the goddamned movies.

Mostly have more sex.


Suck it Buzzfeed

Lose Weight

 Hey, I titled this post basic bitch resolutions for a reason. I know everyone wants this, and they want this for a reason. I wanna lose weight. I wanna get in shape. I want abs that will make children weep and an ass so firm that you could balance your breakfast on it.

There’s only one way to do this, obvs, diet and exercise. There’s only ever been one way to do this and maintain it, and I don’t care what Kirstie Alley or (the incredibly stupidly named) It Works! or those douches at Herbalife tell you.

No disrespect to the almighty cult of Herbalife you guys. As far as cults go, it’s like number one on my list of favorite cults. It doesn’t kill its ex-members like goddamned Scientology, and by and large, most of its douches are hot douches.

Of course, if diet and exercise don’t work, I’ll just have to reduce my food intake to laxatives, lemons and water for a few months.

Write More

 Pretty self-explanatory. As a writer, I’ve kinda dropped the ball this year. I haven’t kept up with really anything really, and I know that if Tina Belcher can drop a new friend fiction every day, I can at least write a blog post twice a week.

Kill A Man 

Just kiddinggggg……





…Mostly have more sex.


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